why i coach: closing the gap between what’s possible and what is

Short answer: I coach because of my dad. He was a man with so much possible in him, and most of it never reached the people he loved. That gap between what’s possible and what is has shaped my life and my work. I’ve dedicated myself to helping people close it.

The story behind my work

Every afternoon, my body would time travel.

I’m in my 40s, but around 3 p.m., my body starts to remember 1979. I’m a few years old, reaching for something. Attention. Affection. A parent who isn’t there.

It doesn’t make sense that I would remember this. But my body does.

My body remembers reaching for my dad. Wanting his attention. Wanting his arms around me.

In those days, my mom was the one who worked, and my dad was our caregiver. He was present - physically - but, mentally, emotionally, he was absent.

There were two versions of my dad.

There was the available dad. The one who said kind words. The one who comforted me when I cried. The one who was actually there. In those moments, I saw who he could be: the version of him he aspired to be, and the version that was possible.

And there was the absent dad. Anxious. Worried. Somewhere else. In the room, but out of reach.

For most of my life, we didn’t get the available dad. Instead, we got the absent one.

What does it mean to live in the gap?

Looking back, I can see what was happening. A conditioned pattern in my dad hijacked him, again and again, from being the attentive, available dad he was capable of being.

And he tried. He tried therapy. He tried medicine. All of the strategies. Each one addressed the pain. Not one of them grew his potential.

When he died in 2019, I didn’t grieve the relationship we had. I grieved the one that was possible but never was.

That gap, that disconnect between what’s possible and what is, will always haunt me.

How do old patterns show up in our work?

Years later, as I grew my own business, I started to see how some of these patterns had been wired into me too.

That afternoon time travel was one of them. My body was still running a pattern from 1979, and it was shaping how I showed up in my work, long before I understood why.

The body remembers what the mind forgets. Patterns are stored in the body and keep running automatically, decades after the moment that created them. That’s why insight alone rarely changes them.

Why does this matter for leadership?

We have all been shaped by our past, and that shaping impacts how we show up now.

Most of us know who we could be at work. We’ve had glimpses of it: the meeting where we spoke with clarity, the day we led from calm instead of pressure, the moment we felt fully ourselves. That’s our potential.

And then the old patterns take over again. That’s what is.

The space between the two is the gap. It’s where so many capable people live, often without realizing it’s a pattern they can change.

My job as a coach is to help you see and reshape the patterns that keep you in that gap, so you can close it and lead from what’s possible.

Why I do this work

That gap between what’s possible and what is, is why I do the work I do. It’s why I’ve dedicated myself to figuring this problem out, not just for me, but for others.

If you’re reading this, you’ve likely made that commitment too. The commitment not to live in the gap, and to figure out whatever you need to do to get to the other side of it.

Frequently asked questions

What does a self-leadership coach do?
A self-leadership coach helps you get clear on who you want to be and what you want to create, and helps you see and reshape the patterns that keep you from getting there.

What is the gap between potential and performance?
It’s the distance between what you know you’re capable of and how you actually show up day to day, often because old patterns take over under pressure.

Why do old patterns keep showing up?
Because they’re stored in the body as automatic responses. They often formed long ago and run before your thinking mind has a chance to catch up.

Is self-leadership coaching the same as therapy?
No. Therapy is often focused on healing. Self-leadership coaching is focused on growing your potential and moving toward what you want to create. Many people benefit from both.

I don’t want to dig up the past to move forward.

You don’t have to. My job is to help you see what’s showing up today so you can make more informed choices for your future.

Ready to close your gap?
Take the free Self-Leadership Self-Check to see where you are or book an intake call.